warning...this is long and boring and obnoxious and doesn't make sense...so if u dont want to read this, then click the back button now. if not, get ready to understand. kthx gg. i've thought about so many things in the past few days. how life has been treating me, how i've been treating life. i've come to the realization that i am weak. and not just weak, but very lost. where do i fit in this world. what are my morals. what are my goals. who are my friends. why do i have trust issues. should i become more selfish. why do i always feel alone. do i have my priorities straight. do i have anyone to turn to in times of trouble. what the fuck am i doing. life is hard i realize. when things are going well, you never think of what wrong could happen. i dont have parents in this world. i had to grow up at the age of 14. no one saw my struggles. only one other person saw what i saw that night. i brush everyone off as if im really ok. but that's only because i lied to myself as well, saying that i am ok. but i can see now, that i really wasn't. no one really helped with that. yea, everyone who found out was like "are u ok?" "anything i can do for you?" but that's not really helping. i was a freakin mama's boy, and i lost her. in turn, i lost myself. this is why i think im lost. and when i needed the help, i was only getting yelled at. i want to blame everyone for my life, but i know i can't. i am what i am, because of me, even though there were other factors...i should've been able to make it through. this is why i am a sap. why i love children. why i am emotional. why i think crazy. it's always the "what if"'s. trust is a hard thing to gain from people. but with me, it's easily given to those who seem genuine. I FUCKING HATE THOSE WHO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF TRUST. but when u get stabbed in the back, that trust is hard to regain. i realized this, because it's hard for me to give back the trust i had in some people. and it says in the bible to forgive...more than just once...but it's hard for me to forgive cuz it happened twice. god forgives more than twice..that i know for sure...but with all this confusion in my life... i cant forgive now, maybe not even later. forgiveness has always been in my system, whether i was the one doing wrong, or the one being wronged. but i have so much hatred in my heart...it's hard to forgive right now. understanding. how hard is it to understand. to understand someone who is genuinely trying. someone who has actually changed. DENYING THAT SOMEONE DOESN'T HELP THAT SOMEONE CHANGE. and if someone changes for the better, why the hell can't other people understand their motives. why does it always have to be, that someone else has a problem. maybe it's fucking you who has the real problem. maybe u should be the one to change. instead of everyone trying to understand you...understand others. SEFLISHNESS. im tired of trying. i feel like giving up. there's no meaning to what i am doing now, so i might as well become meaningless in all that i do. but i can't. and i won't. because i want to become a man. and men aren't bullshitters. men stand behind what they say. but i all i know right now is that i have anger and bitterness and that bad stuff in me right now. hopefully it will all go away soon, but i dont know when. if none of this made any sense, im sorry. because it seems like it didn't make any sense to me. all i ask is that you understand. judge if u want...hate if u want...just understand. | 
